I still love him… will always do so… but I don’t want him anymore!

I recently came to know that my marriage was all about money, long before I realised it and in a much worse way than I could ever imagine!

He took money from account and gave it to his family! Well, that’s not what I want to write about in this post. What has happened has happened! I loved him, with all I had and being my first love , he is not easy to forget. I still do love him and I don’t think I can ever stop doing so! This thing and feeling amazes me as well! But yes, its true, I do love him.

There is a big difference though. I don’t long for him now… not anymore. I don’t think about him when I see people in love, I don’t miss him.. I don’t imagine y life with him or without him. I have detached myself from him. It’s hard to understand these things. I would not believe myself that it is possible to feel so if it had not happened to me personally.

Whatever happens, happens for good! Good to know that it was never a true love from his side. My heart goes out to all the people who go through these things!


I hate PDA…. now!!


Being single is not easy anyways! And there are so many things and people around you that makes it more difficult.

PDA, or Public Display of Affection is one such thing!

It’s strange how human mind changes so much in the way it perceives things. When you are with someone you love, you are an active member to display affection in public! It seems such a normal thing to do… you don’t even have to DO it..it just happens. And you don’t notice others doing it because maybe you are very much engrossed in yours.

But now, when I miss being with someone, everyone around me seemed to be over exaggerating their affection. Looks like all of a sudden people want to hug and kiss and cuddle and what not! That too everywhere…all the time…

I can’t help but feel bad about myself. Ironical, when you don’t have love in your life, you can’t even appreciate love anywhere else! Atleast, I am like this lot of times these days. I hope its just a state of mind which I am in because everything is still afresh. I wish I could feel happy for others!! One of the so many things I wish for!!


I loved him for whatever he was, he disliked me for whatever I was not!!


Such an irony, but the title says it all.

I loved him for all the things he was and tried to genuinely feel the things he felt, be happy in whatever gave him happiness. Whether it was movies he liked, music he loved or games he enjoyed, he was the centre of my universe! I did things just because I craved for time with him. For certain things, I realise, I haven’t catered to my likings since so long!! Still today, I eat a few things the way he used to do. I have acquired habit of working on a laptop in bed because he used to do it! He has penetrated my life so much. He is so much with me even when we are not together.

And , what do I get in return?? Dislike and criticism , that too for things I am not. I am blamed for things I did not do. I am accused of being a person which I am not! Not sure when this suffering will end, or will it always remain a part of me. Will I ever be able to love someone? Will I ever have a peaceful an secure mind!! Right now, as of this moment, I don’t even know what should I like , whom should I trust and what should I do??  Maybe, this is the price I have to pay for being in love! 



What else can he take from me??


Life after breakup or during the ugly time when you are trying to come out is very difficult. I have heard lot of people telling me that I am lucky that I am (or will be) out of this miserable relationship before its too late! The fact that I am still at an age where I can find new partner, no having kids, having a successful career are the things they count for in my favour!

I have another, not so optimistic, perspective on this whole thing.  For me , sometimes it is like is there anything anyone else can take away from me?? I loved him with all my heart and soul, did everything possible to keep and make him happy and still it all failed catastrophically!

Today, I am in a situation where,

— I feel no-one ever loves anyone, it’s all give and take.

— I think no one is trustworthy.

— I think goodness is not for real. People who seem nice are too good to be true!

— I doubt, doubt and doubt every person, especially the male species.

— I think behind every good thing said or done to me by anyone, there is some false evil intention.

After all this, do breakups ever prove to be good. Maybe the time will tell!


Not Happy but not even that miserable!!


Living separate from my husband (even writing this now has a strange feeling!) , I am slowly discovering that life is possible without him. I can’t say that I am happy because I do feel lonely! But, I can definitely say that I am not as miserable as I was with him. And, that really does matter to how I look at things in my life now!

A research showed that out of 10 marriages in world, 3 are happy, 3 end up in divorce and the rest 4 are the most miserable ones. These are the ones in which partners are not happy with each other but still try to keep the dead relationship alive. it might due to several reasons, social pressure, financial security, having no other options or being too optimistic that things might be OK one day. I am fortunate that I have not ended up in such situation.

People say that nothing remains forever. Good times or bad times… all are phases in life!! I hope life will unfold a pleasant surprise for me soon!!

I will never be judgemental again!!


People change a lot after going through breakups and divorces and so have I.

It’s so easy to pass comments over some one or what someone did. it feels like a great sense of achievement. But in true sense, no one ever has right or enough sense to do so, that’s what I have learnt in last few months.

No one has gone through what you have… no one can really feel your pain or emotions , however close the person is to you! I can say that based on my own experience. I still miss my husband and the moments I spent with him. However bad he does to me, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stop missing him. I am often scolded by my dad and friends about the way I feel for him because they think I hurt myself and are amazed at how can I still love him like that! All of them have a list of Do’s and Dont’s for me about him.

The reason is very very simple, none of them have shared what I have him, so how can they even think of judging whether my feelings for him are justified or not! It’s just not fair.

After this realisation, I have felt a change in myself. I never quote someone as right or wrong. A married person , unhappy in marriage, wants to be with me. It used to trouble me for long …how could he do this? How could he even think about it? But do I know at he has gone through?? why should I judge him by what he feels or thinks? Whether I want to be with him or not is a different story but wanting or not wanting something..liking or disliking something is never wrong!

All of us have different personalities, different aspirations, challenges and we have been through different experiences which has made us what we are today! We are all good in our own way and bad in our own way!

Do you also feel like that sometimes??

I am more hurt when my loved ones are hurt because of my breakup…


Breakups are never easy..for anyone, not even for the person who initiates it! I never initiated it and was against it right from the beginning, which did really hurt me a lot…actually ripped my heart off initially.

It took me a while to accept that it’s never going to work now. I made a kind of silent agreement with my destiny. It’s  part of life, happens to lot of people and all the generic consolations. And for the great and supportive friends, I was not that bad, I mean I have seen people in worse conditions than me.

But, I can never forgive him and whoever it is for hurting my family… my parents and my sister. They have not done anything wrong, why should they suffer. I know they can’t be happy when life is being so unfair with me like this. But, they haven’t done anything to deserve this. They feel my pain…and maybe feel it more..that’s what family and love is all about I guess.

This is the reason I want to show him what pain is like. I closely knit family, its only the relation that breaks, lots of hearts, hopes are broken too. And somethings can never be mended!

I will make sure that the person who hurt my loved ones goes through the same pain, not because I want to take revenge but because if you do something wrong, it comes back to you in some form 

Am I wrong and wicked when I think like this?? Should I be feeling guilty ??