Category Archives: Uncategorized

I hate PDA…. now!!

 

Being single is not easy anyways! And there are so many things and people around you that makes it more difficult.

PDA, or Public Display of Affection is one such thing!

It’s strange how human mind changes so much in the way it perceives things. When you are with someone you love, you are an active member to display affection in public! It seems such a normal thing to do… you don’t even have to DO it..it just happens. And you don’t notice others doing it because maybe you are very much engrossed in yours.

But now, when I miss being with someone, everyone around me seemed to be over exaggerating their affection. Looks like all of a sudden people want to hug and kiss and cuddle and what not! That too everywhere…all the time…

I can’t help but feel bad about myself. Ironical, when you don’t have love in your life, you can’t even appreciate love anywhere else! Atleast, I am like this lot of times these days. I hope its just a state of mind which I am in because everything is still afresh. I wish I could feel happy for others!! One of the so many things I wish for!!

 

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I loved him for whatever he was, he disliked me for whatever I was not!!

 

Such an irony, but the title says it all.

I loved him for all the things he was and tried to genuinely feel the things he felt, be happy in whatever gave him happiness. Whether it was movies he liked, music he loved or games he enjoyed, he was the centre of my universe! I did things just because I craved for time with him. For certain things, I realise, I haven’t catered to my likings since so long!! Still today, I eat a few things the way he used to do. I have acquired habit of working on a laptop in bed because he used to do it! He has penetrated my life so much. He is so much with me even when we are not together.

And , what do I get in return?? Dislike and criticism , that too for things I am not. I am blamed for things I did not do. I am accused of being a person which I am not! Not sure when this suffering will end, or will it always remain a part of me. Will I ever be able to love someone? Will I ever have a peaceful an secure mind!! Right now, as of this moment, I don’t even know what should I like , whom should I trust and what should I do??  Maybe, this is the price I have to pay for being in love! 

 

 

Friendship in every relation!

This broken relation has taught me quite a lot and am sill learning.

There’s this funny thing in the way horoscopes are matched in India and one of things that are matched is “Grah- Maitri” which translates to “Friendship at Home”.

It really makes me ponder over one element missing in my failed marriage. Yes, Friendship!!

We were never good friends with each other. We were husband and wife, Man and woman, but friends….never. When I talked to him, very often I used to think before speaking. conversation did not flow on its own. Even when things were not so bad, there was a feeling in back of the mind about what will he think, should I really say/do this, how will he react?? This just takes out all the comfort and warmth from a relation.

I wanted to speak my mind with him, just be MYSELF all the time… I wanted to show him my best as well as my worst! Maybe, he wanted the same?? But, it never did turn out to be a beautiful friendship. Rather, it was a marriage without friendship!

I hope I have learnt some lesson and my next partner will be my best buddy before anything else!!

Its better to be a dumper than a dumpee!

 

Broken relationships are bad for both the parties, but still dumper is on a vantage position as compared to the dumpee. I can this from my personal experience  as I am on the disadvantaged side :(.

When someone dumps you, he/she has already taken a decision so they don’t really have to face he struggle of “moving over” or “moving out of it”. And take my words of it, it’s harder than the breakup itself. It gets even harder when the dumper does not give you the reasons for it and you really don’t know why you were being dumped!

I have never dumped someone (have been in only one relationship and that has proved to be daunting enough for me) , so I cannot comment on how that side of fence looks like but I feel pretty certain its better than what I feel for myself now. Atleast they wouldn’t think about the questions that I have in my mind:

— Why the hell was I dumped???

— Why did it happen so suddenly.. as it being planned since long and I was the only moron who din’t have a clue?

— What now?? How do I forget him/her??

— Will he/she come back??

— Should I try to bring him /her back??

— How long should I wait before its very certain that IT IS OVER??

And many more……

I am not saying dumpee is the only person who suffers…but they certainly suffer more! So, be smart and be the dumper next time … lol ..kidding!!

A New Life!!

New things and beginnings are always exciting. People have things to look forward to and plan and think about.

I too started a kind of new life today. But mine is a different case. I have moved out of my house today..it was a home for me once upon a time!! It turned into just a house few months ago after so many issues and complexities. Never thought those shit things could happen to me. Alas, those few months were the hardest of my life!!

Today, I moved out of that house. Its a kind of liberation, though I a still legally married to him! I feel a bit relieved now, there are fewer things to remind me of him, expect for my thoughts and memories. Now, that I am alone, I hope I can give a better thought to my life and concentrate to improve my life.

I hope this new life brings me back whatever I missed.

One doesn’t need any time to miss someone or something!!!

As I was struggling to forget my husband, I made my life too busy in a hope that I would not get time to think about past or him or our time together. Alas! I was so so wrong :(.

I started getting up early, starting work early, then joined a gym and made sure I come home dead tired! I was under impression that I think about him when I am idle, which in a way was correct! When I as not doing anything, I was reminiscing about past. But, when someone is such an important part of your life, you think about that person unknowingly, subconsciously …all the time.

I think about him when I cook, when I travel…. I see and imagine us together when I see smiling couples around me…at work, in trains, on roads, on traffic lights. I wonder about what our life would be like now if we were still together. There is no limit to where your mind can take you.

Whether I am alone or in a crowd, I miss him, crave for him, his touch…think about him. I don’t need any time to do so as he is a part of me and I guess will always be, no matter how far he is!!

Breakups : Should never have bitter feelings

As I am living separately and I almost know that we are never going to reconcile (unless some miracle happens) , I have learnt a few things which help me live a normal (not-so-normal) life!!

Earlier I had lot of bitter feelings against him as I thought I have been giving a lot to our relation and dint get what I deserve in return. And he did exactly the same. After doing it for sometime, I realised I was making my life miserable. It’s not easy to live with hatred or bitterness for anyone…especially for someone who was close to you once.

And, now I have started, or atleast trying genuinely, to love myself and forgive himself. I feel bad for what happened to me and accept it as a part of my journey called life. It was in my destiny and I had to face it.  just think that our marriage did not work. While , he is doing exactly opposite. He blames me for everything, thinks I was the only one wrong in our marriage and hates me.

I don’t wish anything bad for him…never, but I know with those feelings, he would never be able to move on with his life. I want to be happy again in life and the same for him. This is one reason I try to talk to him so that he can take all bitterness out but he doesn’t listen at all.

Have you been through these situations? How can you help someone like him?