I recently came to know that my marriage was all about money, long before I realised it and in a much worse way than I could ever imagine!
He took money from account and gave it to his family! Well, that’s not what I want to write about in this post. What has happened has happened! I loved him, with all I had and being my first love , he is not easy to forget. I still do love him and I don’t think I can ever stop doing so! This thing and feeling amazes me as well! But yes, its true, I do love him.
There is a big difference though. I don’t long for him now… not anymore. I don’t think about him when I see people in love, I don’t miss him.. I don’t imagine y life with him or without him. I have detached myself from him. It’s hard to understand these things. I would not believe myself that it is possible to feel so if it had not happened to me personally.
Whatever happens, happens for good! Good to know that it was never a true love from his side. My heart goes out to all the people who go through these things!
Being single is not easy anyways! And there are so many things and people around you that makes it more difficult.
PDA, or Public Display of Affection is one such thing!
It’s strange how human mind changes so much in the way it perceives things. When you are with someone you love, you are an active member to display affection in public! It seems such a normal thing to do… you don’t even have to DO it..it just happens. And you don’t notice others doing it because maybe you are very much engrossed in yours.
But now, when I miss being with someone, everyone around me seemed to be over exaggerating their affection. Looks like all of a sudden people want to hug and kiss and cuddle and what not! That too everywhere…all the time…
I can’t help but feel bad about myself. Ironical, when you don’t have love in your life, you can’t even appreciate love anywhere else! Atleast, I am like this lot of times these days. I hope its just a state of mind which I am in because everything is still afresh. I wish I could feel happy for others!! One of the so many things I wish for!!
Such an irony, but the title says it all.
I loved him for all the things he was and tried to genuinely feel the things he felt, be happy in whatever gave him happiness. Whether it was movies he liked, music he loved or games he enjoyed, he was the centre of my universe! I did things just because I craved for time with him. For certain things, I realise, I haven’t catered to my likings since so long!! Still today, I eat a few things the way he used to do. I have acquired habit of working on a laptop in bed because he used to do it! He has penetrated my life so much. He is so much with me even when we are not together.
And , what do I get in return?? Dislike and criticism , that too for things I am not. I am blamed for things I did not do. I am accused of being a person which I am not! Not sure when this suffering will end, or will it always remain a part of me. Will I ever be able to love someone? Will I ever have a peaceful an secure mind!! Right now, as of this moment, I don’t even know what should I like , whom should I trust and what should I do?? Maybe, this is the price I have to pay for being in love!
As I was struggling to forget my husband, I made my life too busy in a hope that I would not get time to think about past or him or our time together. Alas! I was so so wrong :(.
I started getting up early, starting work early, then joined a gym and made sure I come home dead tired! I was under impression that I think about him when I am idle, which in a way was correct! When I as not doing anything, I was reminiscing about past. But, when someone is such an important part of your life, you think about that person unknowingly, subconsciously …all the time.
I think about him when I cook, when I travel…. I see and imagine us together when I see smiling couples around me…at work, in trains, on roads, on traffic lights. I wonder about what our life would be like now if we were still together. There is no limit to where your mind can take you.
Whether I am alone or in a crowd, I miss him, crave for him, his touch…think about him. I don’t need any time to do so as he is a part of me and I guess will always be, no matter how far he is!!
As I am living separately and I almost know that we are never going to reconcile (unless some miracle happens) , I have learnt a few things which help me live a normal (not-so-normal) life!!
Earlier I had lot of bitter feelings against him as I thought I have been giving a lot to our relation and dint get what I deserve in return. And he did exactly the same. After doing it for sometime, I realised I was making my life miserable. It’s not easy to live with hatred or bitterness for anyone…especially for someone who was close to you once.
And, now I have started, or atleast trying genuinely, to love myself and forgive himself. I feel bad for what happened to me and accept it as a part of my journey called life. It was in my destiny and I had to face it. just think that our marriage did not work. While , he is doing exactly opposite. He blames me for everything, thinks I was the only one wrong in our marriage and hates me.
I don’t wish anything bad for him…never, but I know with those feelings, he would never be able to move on with his life. I want to be happy again in life and the same for him. This is one reason I try to talk to him so that he can take all bitterness out but he doesn’t listen at all.
Have you been through these situations? How can you help someone like him?
NO. Yes that’s right! One can never forget one’s love..however short-lived it was..however bitter the breakup was…whatever the misunderstandings existed. The feelings linger on forever.
Atleast this is what is happening to me and I know it’s the same for him as well. He doesn’t accept it because of his male ego and I have stopped expressing because of fear of rejection. It’s so true about whatever they say about LOVE:
Love is blind … yes, you just love someone..without thinking about consequences.
Love never dies… it’s such a beautiful feeling even when it is hurtful!
Everything is fair in love and war….yes…it always treats you with extremes of feelings…pleasure or sorrow.
Love only changes forms….from passion to need to craving to deep care… but it stays there forever. And as long as its there, it continues to make your life worthwhile!!
I have been in a broken, damaged relationship since quite sometime now. It hurts to realise every single moment that he is ignoring my love, care and feelings.
When I am my most vulnerable self and miss being loved, hugged, touched and kissed… there is this someone who wants to be with me. Mr. X does not love me emotionally…he just wants me physically!! And I see him almost everyday. It’s difficult to resist talking to him… but I have successfully managed to do so for 40 days now. I don’t want to mess up right now with anyone. I still love my spouse and care for him. But I am human too. I deeply deeply miss being loved. Sometimes I just want to be held close and hugged tightly…like he used to do for me!!
I know I will never do it because of the person I am. I know we want to do so any things…but we cannot always do what we want to do. Socially, Morally, ethically…there are so any obligations. And I believe we have to live with what we do. I am responsible and answerable to myself if not to others. Don’t want to do anything which I would not want my spouse to do.
I hope I will be able to maintain my dignity and integrity in these difficult times!!