Tag Archives: Relationships

I loved him for whatever he was, he disliked me for whatever I was not!!

 

Such an irony, but the title says it all.

I loved him for all the things he was and tried to genuinely feel the things he felt, be happy in whatever gave him happiness. Whether it was movies he liked, music he loved or games he enjoyed, he was the centre of my universe! I did things just because I craved for time with him. For certain things, I realise, I haven’t catered to my likings since so long!! Still today, I eat a few things the way he used to do. I have acquired habit of working on a laptop in bed because he used to do it! He has penetrated my life so much. He is so much with me even when we are not together.

And , what do I get in return?? Dislike and criticism , that too for things I am not. I am blamed for things I did not do. I am accused of being a person which I am not! Not sure when this suffering will end, or will it always remain a part of me. Will I ever be able to love someone? Will I ever have a peaceful an secure mind!! Right now, as of this moment, I don’t even know what should I like , whom should I trust and what should I do??  Maybe, this is the price I have to pay for being in love! 

 

 

What else can he take from me??

 

Life after breakup or during the ugly time when you are trying to come out is very difficult. I have heard lot of people telling me that I am lucky that I am (or will be) out of this miserable relationship before its too late! The fact that I am still at an age where I can find new partner, no having kids, having a successful career are the things they count for in my favour!

I have another, not so optimistic, perspective on this whole thing.  For me , sometimes it is like is there anything anyone else can take away from me?? I loved him with all my heart and soul, did everything possible to keep and make him happy and still it all failed catastrophically!

Today, I am in a situation where,

— I feel no-one ever loves anyone, it’s all give and take.

— I think no one is trustworthy.

— I think goodness is not for real. People who seem nice are too good to be true!

— I doubt, doubt and doubt every person, especially the male species.

— I think behind every good thing said or done to me by anyone, there is some false evil intention.

After all this, do breakups ever prove to be good. Maybe the time will tell!

 

I will never be judgemental again!!

 

People change a lot after going through breakups and divorces and so have I.

It’s so easy to pass comments over some one or what someone did. it feels like a great sense of achievement. But in true sense, no one ever has right or enough sense to do so, that’s what I have learnt in last few months.

No one has gone through what you have… no one can really feel your pain or emotions , however close the person is to you! I can say that based on my own experience. I still miss my husband and the moments I spent with him. However bad he does to me, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stop missing him. I am often scolded by my dad and friends about the way I feel for him because they think I hurt myself and are amazed at how can I still love him like that! All of them have a list of Do’s and Dont’s for me about him.

The reason is very very simple, none of them have shared what I have him, so how can they even think of judging whether my feelings for him are justified or not! It’s just not fair.

After this realisation, I have felt a change in myself. I never quote someone as right or wrong. A married person , unhappy in marriage, wants to be with me. It used to trouble me for long …how could he do this? How could he even think about it? But do I know at he has gone through?? why should I judge him by what he feels or thinks? Whether I want to be with him or not is a different story but wanting or not wanting something..liking or disliking something is never wrong!

All of us have different personalities, different aspirations, challenges and we have been through different experiences which has made us what we are today! We are all good in our own way and bad in our own way!

Do you also feel like that sometimes??

I am more hurt when my loved ones are hurt because of my breakup…

 

Breakups are never easy..for anyone, not even for the person who initiates it! I never initiated it and was against it right from the beginning, which did really hurt me a lot…actually ripped my heart off initially.

It took me a while to accept that it’s never going to work now. I made a kind of silent agreement with my destiny. It’s  part of life, happens to lot of people and all the generic consolations. And for the great and supportive friends, I was not that bad, I mean I have seen people in worse conditions than me.

But, I can never forgive him and whoever it is for hurting my family… my parents and my sister. They have not done anything wrong, why should they suffer. I know they can’t be happy when life is being so unfair with me like this. But, they haven’t done anything to deserve this. They feel my pain…and maybe feel it more..that’s what family and love is all about I guess.

This is the reason I want to show him what pain is like. I closely knit family, its only the relation that breaks, lots of hearts, hopes are broken too. And somethings can never be mended!

I will make sure that the person who hurt my loved ones goes through the same pain, not because I want to take revenge but because if you do something wrong, it comes back to you in some form 

Am I wrong and wicked when I think like this?? Should I be feeling guilty ??

Friendship in every relation!

This broken relation has taught me quite a lot and am sill learning.

There’s this funny thing in the way horoscopes are matched in India and one of things that are matched is “Grah- Maitri” which translates to “Friendship at Home”.

It really makes me ponder over one element missing in my failed marriage. Yes, Friendship!!

We were never good friends with each other. We were husband and wife, Man and woman, but friends….never. When I talked to him, very often I used to think before speaking. conversation did not flow on its own. Even when things were not so bad, there was a feeling in back of the mind about what will he think, should I really say/do this, how will he react?? This just takes out all the comfort and warmth from a relation.

I wanted to speak my mind with him, just be MYSELF all the time… I wanted to show him my best as well as my worst! Maybe, he wanted the same?? But, it never did turn out to be a beautiful friendship. Rather, it was a marriage without friendship!

I hope I have learnt some lesson and my next partner will be my best buddy before anything else!!

Its better to be a dumper than a dumpee!

 

Broken relationships are bad for both the parties, but still dumper is on a vantage position as compared to the dumpee. I can this from my personal experience  as I am on the disadvantaged side :(.

When someone dumps you, he/she has already taken a decision so they don’t really have to face he struggle of “moving over” or “moving out of it”. And take my words of it, it’s harder than the breakup itself. It gets even harder when the dumper does not give you the reasons for it and you really don’t know why you were being dumped!

I have never dumped someone (have been in only one relationship and that has proved to be daunting enough for me) , so I cannot comment on how that side of fence looks like but I feel pretty certain its better than what I feel for myself now. Atleast they wouldn’t think about the questions that I have in my mind:

— Why the hell was I dumped???

— Why did it happen so suddenly.. as it being planned since long and I was the only moron who din’t have a clue?

— What now?? How do I forget him/her??

— Will he/she come back??

— Should I try to bring him /her back??

— How long should I wait before its very certain that IT IS OVER??

And many more……

I am not saying dumpee is the only person who suffers…but they certainly suffer more! So, be smart and be the dumper next time … lol ..kidding!!

A New Life!!

New things and beginnings are always exciting. People have things to look forward to and plan and think about.

I too started a kind of new life today. But mine is a different case. I have moved out of my house today..it was a home for me once upon a time!! It turned into just a house few months ago after so many issues and complexities. Never thought those shit things could happen to me. Alas, those few months were the hardest of my life!!

Today, I moved out of that house. Its a kind of liberation, though I a still legally married to him! I feel a bit relieved now, there are fewer things to remind me of him, expect for my thoughts and memories. Now, that I am alone, I hope I can give a better thought to my life and concentrate to improve my life.

I hope this new life brings me back whatever I missed.